I paid a visit to my doctor yesterday to get support with weight loss.
It's a confronting and scary thing to do, but also kind of freeing because instead of keeping all of these (sometimes irrational and silly) thoughts and ideas in my head I have someone to share them with. Someone who will pull me back down to the ground when I get off track and help me to remember that I am not a failure as a person just because I haven't been able to lose weight.
It's tricky for me because I know I can do it! I have done it before and did it sensibly and healthily so, I've been very frustrated with myself and my internal dialogue has been really bad, full of put downs and insults. I'm not a very nice person... to me.
The doctor and I looked through my files so she could get a good picture of my history and we stumbled across an entry from a visit just before I got pregnant with Richie when I was having a bout of dizzy spells. My file said:
LOW BLOOD PRESSURE AND DIZZY SPELLS/ RESTING HEART RATE 55/ ATHLETE.
Athlete!! No wonder I've been hard on myself. In my brain I am still an athlete despite the extra weight I am carrying around that prevents me from living the life I want. It really does stop me. I sit on the sand when my kids swim at the beach. I sit on the sidelines and watch them run around when what I want to do is play with them. I step out of the frame when family photos are taken because I don't recognise the woman I see when I look at the pictures.
I am 120kg. I am unhealthy and I hate living in this body. If I could unzip it and hop out of it I would. I feel like I could. It does feel like a fat suit.
So we made a plan. My doctor knows that I actually DO know what to do and that I really need accountability and support with the practical side of it.
Here's the plan:
I am going to aim to exercise four days per week. Because my week is crazy and I really can't manage early mornings at this stage, it looks like I am going to need to work out Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Which isn't ideal as I have no rest days but if I change up what I am doing from day to day I should be ok.
I am also going to increase my incidental exercise by riding my bike and walking places when I can.
As far as food goes my doctor suggested sticking to a fairly low carb diet due to my PCOS and making sure I'm not drinking too many extra calories in milky coffees - this is a thing for me because I do have 2-3 full fat lattes every day. SO I am going to limit to 2 a day and switch to low fat milk. Just for those. Yoghurt and cheese are still going to be full fat because I don't eat them often anyway.
The other thing we identified is that I have got out of the habit of eating breakfast. Actually, I could go most of the day without eating and then have a massive binge in the afternoon, which is so not cool... so I have started eating first thing once again. I can't face eggs at this stage but fruit and yoghurt are doing the trick. When I get back into the habit I'll try for a breakky higher in protein but for now, something is better than nothing. I have already noticed that I am hungry for lunch today when I am not usually so that's good.
My metabolism is so slow right now and I am determined to fire it up!
The doc asked how I did it in the past and I told her it was slooooow and steady, over years, not months. She was very happy to hear that and suggested I view it the same way this time around. A long term project. I love and hate that. On the one hand, I know she is right. It's the healthy way... but on the other, I just want to lose it quickly because I am so sick of being this big. But I'll do what she says. I'll avoid doing silly fad diets and will try not to be too impatient.
I am going to go back and see the doctor just before Christmas to assess my progress. It's good to have a date to work towards. I am determined to be feeling better and being a bit smaller by then!
It's hard being honest, especially after I was kind of held up as an example of how to get fit and healthy all those years ago. But I guess I am proof that the journey never ends... well.. until we're dead... and we just have to keep plugging along and working on ourselves and encouraging others along the way.
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| I bought these ace shoes to inspire me. |
So how are you going? Are you feeling healthy? Are you making any lifestyle changes this month?
